Moment of Truth

October 1st...last night was an awful night, but a good night. I finally made it to a ww's meeting. Which is what I needed and I'm glad I made myself go. It was the next closest location to my apartment. Mind you, I signed up last week, last Wednesday to be exact. The last time I stepped on a scale I weight about 230 lbs. (How horrific and yet freeing it is to put my actual weight for everyone to see) So that is the weight I put down to start. I figure, I can't be too far off from that right? Wrong. When I got to my seat and looked at the number in the back of my pocket guide, the truth hit me in the face like I was in the ring with Rocky. 246.6 lbs. I'm 4 pounds away from where I started when I first joined ww's in 2005. I was horrified, devastated and beside myself. That's the reason I can't fit in to the majority of my clothes. That's why my 18's are getting snug and my 16's I can't even get into anymore. OMG, I'm almost back to a size 20. I almost stared to cry right there in the meeting with the majority of the people looking "normal size". At first I had the thought, what are all these skinny people doing in here? What do you have to loose like 10 lbs? Then as if God was sitting right next to me, I rebuked myself.

I can't pass judgment on anyone sitting in here, just because they look "normal". Some of them could be lifetime members for all I know, and some may need to loose that last 20 lbs and have just as much right to be here as I do. After repenting silently in my head, I paid attention to the session as it started. It was pretty good. Distinguishing physical hunger from emotional hunger and why we do it and how to stop emotional eating. I'm guilty of it. My dog must think it's normal for someone to eat all day, and all the time, lol.

So now I'm being held accountable. I weigh 246.6 lbs at 5ft 6'inches tall, and I'm miserable. I don't love my fat rolls, I don't love being out of breath for normal activities, I don't love eating because I'm bored, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. I don't love that I've put myself back at higher risk to develop all those diseases and disorders that run so rampantly in my genetic makeup. I was just able to stop shopping at Lane Bryant, and here I am again. But I'm taking the necessary steps and making changes.

Now on to changing up my schedule so that I can add activity in the mornings and I reduce my stress of worrying if I'm going to make it in to work on time or not because I've been sitting in traffic for so long. There is nothing I can do about the traffic. Onto health and wellness now, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'll find out how to upload pictures so that I can track my progress visually.