It's been a long time

Ok, so it's been way too long since I last blogged. I'm sorry, I have slacked off and no I have not done anything to change my situation. But I just got the motivation I needed last night. I so miss my girls, I didn't realize just how great of a support system they truly are (Thanks Deidre! You're one of my #1 girls!) But thank God for phone and email! So we are going to plan a Girls trip for next year and not only do I need to plan to get my financial diet up to par, but I need my weight to be under control. Can you say CABO SAN LUCAS? I'm not sure that's where we are even going yet, but it's motivation enough. I can't be in a hot tub/pool looking like this! LOL. So, I know my diet needs help...it's extremely hard because of my schedule. If I can ever get back home to where the darn traffic is not like this craziness! But since I am here right now, I have to find a way to deal with it better than I have. So, must work in some exercise in there. Say it with me, CABO! LOL.

updates

Ok, it's been way too long since I last posted. This past week was not good. I did get to weigh in at weight watchers and was very disappointed to find that I did not loose anything. Not only did I NOT loose anything, I gained 1.7 lbs. How in the heck do you do that on your first week? The last two times I did WW, I always lost weight. Am I not serious enough about this? I have so many other things going on in my life that just seem wrong right now. I feel that I have failed at so many other things and the one thing that I do have control over, I'm failing in that now. The only thing I an say that I am happy about is that my hair is still holding up pretty good. It's been over a week since my press and curl and my hair hasn't reverted back as badly as I thought it would. It may be that way since I only had about an inch and a half of new growth. But I am ready for my hair in the back to grow back out more so that I can do flexi-rods I think I could probably do the small ones though. I really have to introduce exercise in now, because not doing anything is not working. I HAVE to loose this weight. I get my hair done next saturday and I think I will go ahead and ask her about me washing my hair in between visits. I need protective styles in order to keep it from looking like mush when I start working out. Life has to turn around soon guys!

Week 1 of WW

Week 1 of ww started out so promising. It only ended up in shambles and I blew the first week of my lifestyle change already. What happened? What didn't happen, lol. Let's see...ok, I didn't plan well for last Thursday night. That's where it all fell apart. I had to do something after work and didn't finish until 9pm. So I was hungry and needed to get home to the dog and was an hour away. Low and behold, what did I see as I was leaving the parking lot? BOJANGLES...evil on crack, lol. What did I do? Pulled in the drive thru and ordered my chicken supreme dinner combo with french fries and Iced tea. Was it worth it and was it good? NO. Bojangles in MD suck! It was nothing like back home. WTF? So I had my 35 weekly points and then some. And did I make up for it this weekend? Nope. I brought a box of chocolate dipped granola bars and ate the whole box by Sunday (This was on Friday btw). Saturday..I walked 3 miles but did not eat breakfast before (had a granola bar which I shared with Sasha because she walked with me and was very hungry as well before the walk) and I had water at the walk. So I was starving after wards and craving salt and a coke (hmm, wonder why, lol). So where did I go once I got home? McDonald's of course. Then that night I had this big old juicy and fat burger with fatty fries and yesterday I had Indian food. And ice cream...twice! UGH! I have just destroyed all prospects of having a better weigh in this week. Did I do better today? NO..had a twix....gotta get it together...so there...I'm being held accountable, so if I've gained or not lost at all this week, it's my fault.

Moment of Truth

October 1st...last night was an awful night, but a good night. I finally made it to a ww's meeting. Which is what I needed and I'm glad I made myself go. It was the next closest location to my apartment. Mind you, I signed up last week, last Wednesday to be exact. The last time I stepped on a scale I weight about 230 lbs. (How horrific and yet freeing it is to put my actual weight for everyone to see) So that is the weight I put down to start. I figure, I can't be too far off from that right? Wrong. When I got to my seat and looked at the number in the back of my pocket guide, the truth hit me in the face like I was in the ring with Rocky. 246.6 lbs. I'm 4 pounds away from where I started when I first joined ww's in 2005. I was horrified, devastated and beside myself. That's the reason I can't fit in to the majority of my clothes. That's why my 18's are getting snug and my 16's I can't even get into anymore. OMG, I'm almost back to a size 20. I almost stared to cry right there in the meeting with the majority of the people looking "normal size". At first I had the thought, what are all these skinny people doing in here? What do you have to loose like 10 lbs? Then as if God was sitting right next to me, I rebuked myself.

I can't pass judgment on anyone sitting in here, just because they look "normal". Some of them could be lifetime members for all I know, and some may need to loose that last 20 lbs and have just as much right to be here as I do. After repenting silently in my head, I paid attention to the session as it started. It was pretty good. Distinguishing physical hunger from emotional hunger and why we do it and how to stop emotional eating. I'm guilty of it. My dog must think it's normal for someone to eat all day, and all the time, lol.

So now I'm being held accountable. I weigh 246.6 lbs at 5ft 6'inches tall, and I'm miserable. I don't love my fat rolls, I don't love being out of breath for normal activities, I don't love eating because I'm bored, sad, mad, frustrated, etc. I don't love that I've put myself back at higher risk to develop all those diseases and disorders that run so rampantly in my genetic makeup. I was just able to stop shopping at Lane Bryant, and here I am again. But I'm taking the necessary steps and making changes.

Now on to changing up my schedule so that I can add activity in the mornings and I reduce my stress of worrying if I'm going to make it in to work on time or not because I've been sitting in traffic for so long. There is nothing I can do about the traffic. Onto health and wellness now, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'll find out how to upload pictures so that I can track my progress visually.

Tuesday

Ok, so it's been way too long since I last posted. I'm not doing so well right now. I'm home today because I wasn't feeling good, while I feel bad for not being at work because I'm still new there. But I think I know what is really wrong with me. I'm homesick...terribly right now. I'm wondering what in the hell is wrong with me, what am I doing up here driving in this craziness. What was I trying to prove? I can't do anything, gotta stay in my lease until next May at least. But I want to go home, things made more sense, I knew where all my stores were, etc. Do I regret leaving? I have to say no. I wasn't going to get my promotion due to the economy and then they started lay-offs and furloughs. But I can't say that if someone were to call and say we're willing to pay you x amount above what you make now, I couldn't say I would decline. I guess I need to give it more time though. I am making new friends up here...but I am still homesick, and it has nothing to do with the rent's, lol. I still haven't been to a ww's meeting yet. I will be there this week though.

Is it Friday yet?

I joined WW's today. I did the monthly pass with buy one get one month free promotion. I will attend my first meeting on Saturday. I am excited and nervous. Part of me is dreading the hungry feeling that I'm going to feel for the first couple of weeks. That's what I remember from the first time I did it. But I eventually got used to it and lost 30 lbs. Now let's see if I can get to my goal weight this time around! I'm not going to worry about that right now though. Need to make sure I stick to the three goals I made:

loose 20 lbs by December 31, 2009
work out at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes...increase as I build stamina
change my diet and journal what I eat

I did walk Sasha for about 15 minutes on Monday afternoon. She enjoys being outside and I need to utilize that for my benefit as well as hers. Hopefully today I can make it home at a decent hour and take her out for 30 minutes this time.

So those are two things I can be proud of: re-joining WW's and walking my dog. Now let's hope I keep this up!

Feelings

September 21, 2009

It's Monday, and I feel like I'm becoming congested...oh fun, Sinus troubles ahead, lol. Ok, so not only am I going to change to a healthier life style, I'm also thinking of joining Deidre and Erica in the transition from relaxed to natural hair. This is very scary for me, as I've been getting relaxers (or creamy crack application as Erica calls it) since the age of 10. But even with all the bushiness and nappiness, my hair was so much more healthier then. I think this means I need to learn how to manage my own hair. It will take trial and error, and I will most likely need to buy a few scarves and a couple of wigs (lol) for those bad days. But as I think about it, what is wrong with my nappy hair? Why should I pay out money to have it chemically straightened, when God didn't make me that way?

I'm not interested in locs, but there are still so many other ways to style the hair. It has to be trained of course. I realize I will not get much support from the "general" population, but with the support of my friends that are going natural and the new meet up group I have joined; I'm sure they will make the transition more tolerable. Besides, it can't look any worse than it already does. Well, it can because when it's nappy it won't hold a curl or anything...but it does hold the flexi-rods well when nappy :).

I think I'm going to start with tree-braids. I had never heard of this, until a co-worker showed me a picture of her hair when she had them. They are beautiful! They don't even look like braids, it just looks like hair, or micro's, but they aren't. I just want to talk to someone at length and have them evaluate my hair and answer all my questions. Then I'll start reading the book that Erica suggested and visit the website specifically for natural hair. Oh if only I had naturally curly hair!

And I'm going back to weight watchers (WW)...Change has come!

Mind games

September 20, 2009

So I have not blogged in the last couple of days. I was exhausted on Friday and ended up going to bed at 9. Saturday I went to a comedy show and took the metro for my first time into DC! Exciting! The show was great. Not a Greg Giraldo fan though. One of the openers was very funny!

So on to the thoughts swirling around in my head. I still feel so fat and disgusting at times. I really have to get ahead of this once and for all. My whole life depends on this. Not about just being healthy, but it's like if I can take control of this part of my life, some other areas of my life will quickly follow behind.

I am trying to decide on whether or not to join weight watchers or curves. I've seen the new curves commercials. I did weight watchers twice before and lost weight both times. I do believe that I can get a discount through my health insurance at work. I just know I need to do something, because I went clothes shopping this weekend (attempted clothes shopping) and found nothing. I am so sick of not being able to buy the clothes I want. Maybe God knew what he was doing by making me big, because if I was a normal girl's size, I'd be wearing all kinds of scandalous stuff. It's just hard to find the beauty within some days when the world around you keeps telling you who you should be or how you should look. But I'm not loosing weight for the world, I'm loosing weight for myself because I don't like having two stomachs, sausage rolls on my back, having my knees hurting while doing simple tasks like walking up and down stairs, being out of breath trying to keep up with smaller people who can walk faster than I can, worrying if I can fit in certain seats, wearing the same clothes over and over week after week, etc.

I am going to conquer this once and for all, and my life is going to change for the better. I will learn how to cope better with all of life's past and current disappointments, by first acknowledge that it happened (or didn't) and it sucks and it's time to move on from it. Thus, the title of this blog, lol. I think I need to go back to counseling after all. Well, I will call it a night. I have to finish my grocery shopping tomorrow with milk and some fruit. I went to Bj's and got some healthier snacks than what I'm used to. Let's hope I don't mess this up!

September 17

OK, last night was a blur, lol. But I went to the grocery store and got a variety of smart ones. I had one for lunch yesterday...but I also did something stupid. I brought a bag of sun chips. Harvest cheddar is my favorite. Let's just say that instead of keeping them at work, I took them home and I have a small corner left in the bag. I can't blame this on Sasha (my 2 year old dog) as I was the one that sat and ate the majority while watching tv. I also munched on them on my commute home, which did not take 2 hours this time!

I didn't even turn on the computer last night. I talked to Deidre, took a shower and did some reading. I went to bed at 9:00 last night! I was exhausted, and I still didn't get up until 5:30. But I did leave before 6:30 and was only a few minutes late for work.

So back to this bag of sun chips. That was all I ate last night. But I feel bad that I let myself do that. That's my m.o. I say, I'll eat a few and if I eat it out the bag, before I know it I finished the bag. Oh and don't give me the advice to not eat out of the bag. Because that doesn't help either. I will keep going back to the bag because I know where it is, lol. I've opted to stop buying chips so much. I don't buy them as much as I used to because I know how I am. Same with Ice cream. If I buy vanilla, it will stay in there for 6 months...but let Edy's have a sale bogo free or 2 for $6, and it won't last a week. That's because I'm going to buy one of those creations. You know, mint chocolate chip, chocolate chip, cookies and cream, cookie dough, rocky road, etc.

I was looking in the mirror today and felt so disgusted! My top tire is bigger than the bottom tire around my middle now...Yuck! I don't even look good in my clothes anymore. I used to be able to hide behind my hair, but now that I have shorter hair, there is nothing to hide behind.

Checking in from yesterday

OK, so I tried to post this last night, but my internet was giving me trouble. So I saved it (lol) and just wanted to give an update on how yesterday went. Didn't work out, but I did go to the library,which is one thing I have been wanting to do for a while, lol. Ok, so here's the blog from last night and I will check in later tonight!

-Ciao

After sitting in traffic for a total of 4 hours today, I ended up falling into an old pattern: I went to chick-fil-a and ordered a number 1 combo with fries and a coke zero. I've read somewhere that chick-fil-a is one of the better fast food places, but I had fries and the chicken was fried, so that doesn't scream healthy at all, lol.

But, I am not going to dwell on it. I am going to move on! Tomorrow is another day. Oh and for lunch today at work, I had wild rice with stir-fried pepper strips. I also had some pretzels today and two, yes, two oatmeal cookies. Yikes! This is scary putting this all out there like this, but that's accountability. I think I will go weigh myself so I know where I stand. Cute outfits, here I come...again!

It's never too late...at least not right now

September 15, 2009---Recognizing there is a problem.

OK, so I am finally doing this. I have talked about blogging for at least 4 years now and never gotten around to it. I was afraid I guess. Who want's to read about the thoughts or things that go on in my boring life? I came to the conclusion that one, it's for my own benefit. It is to help me heal and move on. If it helps one person along the way, then that is great, but I'm doing this for me.

I'm fat. Obese. Overweight. Chunky. Chubby. Big boned. Thick. Heavyset. Whatever you call it, I have been chubby (I prefer) all of my life. Well, most of my life, from about the age of 5 and up. I have always been different from everyone else. I have been laughed at, teased, beat up on, taunted and abused by people my whole life in some form or fashion. This one thing has caused me so much pain in my life, that I developed an unhealthy relationship with myself: I hated being in my own skin. In 9th grade I ate once a day and went from a size 22 to a 14 by 10th grade. It was very unhealthy and I eventually gained it all back by the time I graduated High School and went to college.

I'll never forget the day in middle school when we got our yearbooks. I had handed a friend of mine my yearbook to sign and to hand it off to some of our other classmates. When I got my yearbook back, someone had written "Fat ass pig" over my picture. Another reason not to trust people.

In college, my weight continually changed. I would gain weight, then loose. I still hated myself and my college experience was terrible. Those were some of the worse years of my life. By the time I graduated, I had ballooned to 250 lbs. I remember looking at pictures at graduation and sitting in the middle of my floor and crying. I was huge, I looked like a freaking beached whale. How could anyone love or want to be around something that looked like that?

From 2005 up to about 6 months ago, I lost almost 50 lbs and was able to keep that off...but I'm not satisfied. I really want to loose the rest of the weight. Not to mention the fact that since moving to a new place I have gained 15 lbs. I'm devastated about that. Inspired by some really great friends, I have decided to follow them on the journey to change. Today, September 15, 2009, I commit to myself. I commit to taking better care of myself, loving myself at every moment, surrounding myself by positive and supportive people, and becoming a better friend, daughter, sister, steward, and overall a better me.

So I will join my friend Deidre in setting the following goals:

1. loose 20 lbs by December 31, 2009
2. work out at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes...increase as I build stamina
3. change my diet and journal what I eat...this way I will start to pay more attention to what I am putting in my mouth.

Ok, so there it is. I have recognized that there is a problem and acknowledged. Now to move on to putting in action, and being ACCOUNTABLE.